Review of The Portofino Hotel & Marina, a Noble House Hotel 4*

This is the worst hotel I have ever stayed at. I have been to over 300 hotels in my lifetime because I travel and this is the absolute worst of all. We got there at around 2 am and there was nobody there to help us with our bags except this one really rude Mexican guy that worked at the valet. We get to the room and I discover that there is alcohol FILLING the mini fridge. I couldn't even fit my water bottle in there. I know how these things work and if you take one of the drinks out, it charges you. I had to go out of my way to contact housekeeping and get them to get rid of the alcohol in the fridge. After this, my family (2 kids, my wife, and i) went to the restaurant across the street for breakfast. It turns out that this is the ONLY restaurant IN THIS WHOLE RESORT. You'd think since they charge so much they could afford to have a couple more restaurants or at least one with GOOD FOOD. The "breakfast buffet food" was as cold as the time I went to alaska. The coffee was so light it was practically just plain milk! later, when we get back to the room, I find that the lazy housekeepers took the alcohol out of the fridge but put it in A BAG instead of taking it out of my room. I also discovered an ugly brown sea urchin on my bead. My daughter thought it was the cutest thing, and she wanted to bring it home. I didn't mind because I though it was free. I then went out of the room just to ask the maid if it really was free (because I didn't trust this place) and the rude Mexican maid was gossiping about other guests in the hotel. I guess they thought I didnt understand BUT I DIDNT TAKE 8 YEARS OF SPANISH CLASS IN SCHOOL FOR NOTHING! they were saying how some guest always asks for towels 3 times a day. WHAT DO YOU THINK "MAID" MEANS? IT MEANS YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BRING THE GUEST WHAT THEY REQUEST! getting back to the sea urchin, I asked them if it was free, and the rude lady responds "its $40 plus tax". I officially lost it. Forty dollars for an ugly sea urchin that I can buy at walmart for one dollar! this is disgusting! not to mention, the sea urchin has the name of the hotel website on it, so this crappy hotel can self promote their scandalous business. Later that day, we go to the pool and discover billions of flies inside the water. HIRE SOMEONE GOOD TO CLEAN THE POOL! it was nasty and we went right back to the room! We then went to "baleen" (the restaurant) for dinner just to see if maybe they had better food than they did at breakfast. THE FOOD TASTES LIKE A SALTY CRACKER! I ordered something fancy with Romano sauce, and they brought me an under cooked fish with ketchup on it. I ALSO got a room with an "ocean view", well as it turns out the ocean view is a nice scene of A BOAT PARKING LOT! I was literally disgusted that I paid extra to sit on the balcony and watch some kid on the back of his boat throw hot dogs into the water. THEN, I asked the front desk guy where the best place would be for the kids entertainment on our last day, and he said to go to Beverly hills. We drove about an hour, and when we got there it was literally just a bunch of mansions on a street that we could only view from the outside. The kids were so bored so we went back to the hotel to rent bikes. The charge for bike rentals is ABSURD! I could BUY my kids a bike for less money! they also took a charge out of my credit card "just in case" I was going to spend anything there. If I am going to by something there I will pay it then! why are they so greedy that they cannot wait until I have actually bought something before taking it out of my account! because they did this, my credit card company thought it was fraud and they canceled the card. They said they could give us a new card over the phone, but we were ALL THE WAY IN CALIFORNIA! we live in new England! Overall, my experience at this hotel was like living inside a bee hive for a week. NEVER will I come here again and I hope that NOBODY stays at this hotel ever again so these scammers can go out of business!